Last week, in Part 1 of this special, we explored the concept of selfishness and why so many women feel guilty about prioritizing themselves and putting themselves first. We dug into history, religion, and even looked at intergenerational trauma to see where this guilt comes from.
Believe it or not, a lot of it isn’t even yours—it’s been passed down through your ancestors for centuries.
In Part 2, we'll go even deeper and unpack how the collective unconscious, your personality, and your belief system affect you in not putting yourself first. We’ll also talk about the effects of neglecting your own needs, and I'll share three powerful coaching tips to help you put yourself first—without a guilty conscience.
The Collective Unconscious: A Historical Imprint on Women's Psyche
Swiss psychologist Carl Jung (you may have heard of him and Sigmund Freud) introduced the concept of the collective unconscious. While studying different cultures, religions, symbols across the world, he realised that certain psychological patterns, beliefs, and images (he called these archetypes) are universal, shared by all humanity.
These patterns get passed down through your ancestors and are deeply embedded in your unconscious, influencing your behaviors and emotions without you being aware of what's happening.
Jung identified four main archetypes:
The Persona – The mask you present to the world.
The Shadow – Repressed desires and traits.
The Anima/Animus – Anima: feminine aspect of the male psyche. Animus: masculine aspect of the female psyche.
The Self – The integration of all personality aspects.
Historically, women were encouraged to embrace the more feminine qualities (nurturing, trust, intuition, empathy) while being discouraged from developing assertiveness, ambition, and independence (animus). Men were encouraged to develop the more masculine qualities and discouraged from developing their anima.
Jung emphasised that this undermines psychological development and that it's important for you to integrate and balance both parts of your personality (emotions and reason; intuition and logic, etc.)
Other two archetypes that are relevant this conversation are:
The Great Mother Archetype: Women have been expected to embody this nurturing archetype, to be selfless, protective, self-sacrificing caregivers. Think of religious figures like the Virgin Mary, mythological goddesses like Demeter and Isis, Pachamama in the indigenous cultures... This is why women who deviate from this ideal often feel guilty.
The Witch Archetype: Independent, assertive women were historically labeled as “witches,” persecuted, and ostracized. Today, similar biases exist—women who set boundaries or assert their needs are often seen as “too much” or “too emotional.” No wonder so many women still unconsciously fear fully stepping into their power: throughout history, the consequences could have been disastrous for them or their families.
Now we’re moving from the collective (the historical context, family system, epigenetics, collective unconscious) to the individual - you. 💗
We're going to look at the patterns of behaviour that developed “in your lifetime” as you grew up and how that impacts your fear of being selfish and not putting yourself first.
Your Personality: The Enneagram 2 and the Struggle with Self-Sacrifice
Your personality is a collection of patterns that you "acquire" as you grow up - what you habitually think, feel and do. Now, you are so much more than your personality! And a big part of your work in this life is waking up to the truth of who you really are.
The Enneagram is an incredible tool that helps do that. By understanding the typical thoughts, behaviours and emotions of the 9 basic personality types, you can start to break free from the limiting patterns of your type, coming back into your wholeness.
The Enneagram can help explain why some individuals, especially Type 2s (The Helper), struggle to put themselves first.
Before we get to the Enneagram 2, it's important to mention that all of us have all 9 personality types within us, but one is our dominant type. This means that you may have some behaviours of the 2, but that doesn't mean you're a 2. That depends on your core motivation - WHY you do the things you do.
Traits of an Enneagram 2:
Generous, empathetic, and warm-hearted.
Intuitive about others’ needs but disconnected from their own.
Struggle with saying “no” and setting boundaries.
Can fall into over-responsibility for others.
Often believe they must give to receive love.
2s often have trouble identifying their own needs. In fact, many 2s report that in their childhood they only felt loved when they helped others and they bought into the belief that their needs were selfish.
For more on how 2s developed this belief, listen to the entire podcast episode here.
Because you learn these patterns in early childhood, even in the non-verbal developmental stages, they're also stored in your unconscious. Meaning, you're naturally acting this way, not even realising that you're playing out a limiting pattern, until something happens: you burn out, get increasingly frustrated because your needs are never met, you feel unappreciated in your relationships...
This often triggers a desire to break free from these patterns. If you want to use the Enneagram to learn more about yourself, get unstuck and step into your full potential, book a complimentary consultation call here and I'll share with you more details about my three Enneagram coaching packages.
Challenging Your Belief System: Which Beliefs Keep You Feeling Guilty For Putting Yourself First?
Belief is a thought that you've repeated so often that you believe it's 100% true. It's something you don't question.
But beliefs aren't facts. They are perspectives shaped by your upbringing and experiences. This explains why you and I have different sets of beliefs. I may believe that it's ok to put myself first, you may believe that it's selfish to put yourself first.
The problem with beliefs is that they directly impact your behaviour and create your reality.
The cognitive triangle used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) shows how your thoughts, emotions and behaviours impact affect each other.
When you change your thoughts (and before that, your beliefs), you change your behaviours.
In order to live a different life, you have to create more supportive beliefs + thoughts, otherwise you’ll keep creating the same reality, feeling selfish and guilty for putting yourself first.
The Spiritual Perspective: Selfishness vs. Self-Confidence
Many spiritual teachings highlight the necessity of self-prioritization and putting yourself first. I know this is still a radical idea because we've been taught that it should be the exact opposite (put other people first!), but I invite you to take in these perspectives and just sit with them a little bit.
Neale Donald Walsch writes in Conversations with God:
“The highest choice is that which produces the highest good for you. What you do for your Self, you do for another.”
Similarly, Ana Bucevic, a Croatian author and Law of Attraction teacher distinguishes between egotism (exploiting others) and self-confidence (honoring your desires). This is what I described last time as unhealthy selfish and healthy selfish.
When you prioritize your well-being, you improve your life, your relationships and positively impact those around you.
Tune into the full podcast episode to dive deeper into how the spiritual lens can help change your perspective on selfishness and guilt.
Who Benefits When You Ignore Your Needs?
Neglecting yourself and your needs doesn’t serve anyone in the long run.
When you’re depleted, feeling lost, frustrated, exhausted, doing everything for everyone… Who really benefits?
Does it serve you to put yourself last? Does it serve your partner? Your kids? How present can you be with them when you feel like that? How much of YOU, the real YOU are they getting?
Not to mention the fact that by taking over their responsibilities, putting everyone first, you’re doing them a disservice. This may seem hard to hear, but no one wins if you take their responsibilities onto your shoulders.
You may think that they’re benefiting, but they're not. Maybe in the short term, but not in the long run.
Practical Tips to Putting Yourself First Without Guilt
If you want to reprogram your patterns for good, I highly recommend transformational coaching because changing these patterns takes time. Check out my coaching programs and lets hop on a complimentary call to see which program could best support you.
And if you're looking for a few tangible tips you can use right away, here are three powerful coaching tips to prioritise yourself without guilt.
💚 Write down any thoughts and beliefs you have around being selfish, guilt, prioritising yourself... and take them through The Work by Katie Byron.
This will help you see what you've been believing. Remember, based on what you believe, you create your life.
Inquiring into these thoughts and beliefs will help you transform them and see new perspectives so you can start to create a different life.
💚 Learn how to calm down your nervous system.
When you feel guilty, the stress response in your body gets triggered, emotions flood your body, your mind goes into overdrive - these are signs that your sympathetic nervous system is activated and your body is in flight-fight-freeze mode.
Breathe. Look around you, bring yourself back to the present moment and notice that you're safe. You're ok. Allow the emotions to pass through and notice that it's just energy that got triggered by a story.
You’ll be ok. You’ll take care of yourself. You’re not 6 years old anymore with no power or resources. You are strong, powerful, resourceful and you will figure it out. It’s important for you to be aware of that.
💚 Go from self-sacrificing to self-honoring ways of being
Start to recognise your needs and wants. Keep asking yourself on a daily basis: WHAT DO I NEED?
And just notice:
What does your body need?
What does your mind need?
What does your soul need?
How can you honor yourself today?
Create a non-negotiable daily list of things you want to do for yourself and stick with it! Start small: morning routine, daily walk, reading a book for 10 minutes...
Final Thoughts: It's safe to prioritise your needs
Because of the history, the collective unconscious and our programing, so many women feel guilty for prioritising themselves, their goals and needs.
But the bottom line is that you matter. Your needs matter. And the more you allow to choose yourself and be selfish (healthy selfish) you’ll see that people still love you. That it’s safe. That it's ok.
Some people in your life may be triggered by this, but that's their emotional upset, which isn't your responsibility. Relationships are very flexible so just trust that they'll adapt with time.
And if someone repeatedly isn’t capable of supporting you prioritising yourself, going for what you need and not supporting you, ask yourself: do you really want that kind of person in your life?
You deserve to have a fulfilling, balanced life. You get to put yourself first—without guilt.
Ready to take the next step?
I offer powerful transformational coaching programs to help you transform your limitations, step into your full potential and create a fulfilling, meaningful and impactful life & career.
✨ GET UNSTUCK SPECIAL: 4-week starter coaching package to overcome your unconscious blocks and get unstuck with the Enneagram personality test
✨ PURPOSE & POTENTIAL: 8-week deep dive to find your purpose and reach your full potential
✨ TRANSFORM SIGNATURE PROGRAM: 3, 6, or 9 month individual coaching program that will transform your life inside out
Want to know which program is a perfect fit for you? 👇
From my heart to yours
Tajda 🌷🫶
📚 Sources:
Cherry, Kendra, What Are the Jungian Archetypes?. May 2024, Very Well Mind
Childs Heyl, Julia, Carl Jung: Biography, Archetypes, Theories, Beliefs. December 2023, Very Well Mind
Bučević, Ana. In The Vortex of Fulfilled Wishes. 6th edition. Kontakt Plus d.o.o., Split 2016. (only available in Croatian)
Walsch, Neale Donald, Conversations with God, Book 1. Putnam Penguin, 2000.
Open AI Chat GPT, March 2025.
Author
Tajda Glazer
Professional Life & Career Coach, Psychological Consultant and host of the podcast "What If It Is Possible?"
I'm a lawyer turned Professional Life & Career Coach and I've helped hundreds of clients go from feeling lost, anxious, burned out and stuck on the hamster wheel, to finding their purpose and turning their dream life & career into reality. I believe in making changes from the inside out, in a way that feels easeful and aligned with you. ✨ I host the podcast "What If It Is Possible?", mentor students in reaching their goals, and help leaders elevate their conscious leadership skills.
